Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Breaking the Magic Wand

I decline
To walk the line
They tell me that I'm lazy
Worldly wise
I realize
That everybody's crazy
A woman's voice reminds me
To serve and not to speak
But I myself am just another freak

When I was 8 or so, a magazine I read had a DIY computer program in it. It was a strange, text-based version of “The Incredible Machine.” You had to type in different items to use in order to solve a problem or perform an action in order.

The neat thing about the game was that you could manipulate code to add extra items not in the core set.

I created the item: “magic wand.”

Which, of course, you’d wave, and the task would be solved instantly.

I’ve been trying to break the wand ever since.

With a cough
I shake it off
And work around my yellow stripe
Should I hide
And eat my pride
Or wait until it's good and ripe
My life is boiling over
It's happened once before
I wish someone would open up the door

It was a small event, but reveals much about my character. I’ve always gotten frustrated too easily, given up too soon on things, wanted the easy way. I’ve always known this is bad for me, that it holds me back from being truly great in my endeavors.

I hate to fail. So, often, I don’t try.

Or, I can have a great idea, then think ‘but what about this? Or this” and in moments, I’ve come to a roadblock in my plan that seems insurmountable. And then I give up.

I think I know what I want to do. Just look at what I talk about or write about on a regular basis. But I don’t know how to do it. I need to make the choices, and sacrifices, for the future, and I don’t seem to be willing or able to.

Too many distractions. Twitter, dinner, dog hair, dancing.

There's fire in the hole
And nothing left to burn
I'd like to run out now
There's nowhere left to turn

Lyrics from “Fire in the Hole,” by Steely Dan

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